didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
