found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
