I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
