I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
