considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
