she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
