Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
