the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
