I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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