i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
