Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
