Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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