and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
