Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
