Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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