Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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