Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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