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My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
