Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
