I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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