now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
