Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
