I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
