you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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