When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
