If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
