I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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