Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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