My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
