I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
