Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
