i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
