I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
