you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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