Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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