I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
wanna go halves on a baby?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
