The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
