Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
