i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
