my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
