When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
