They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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