So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
