nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
