Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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