but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
