so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've blown a few things in my day
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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