I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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