its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
