he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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