I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
