And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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